This is one of those moments where I am thrown into this pensive mood, and suddenly reminded of the dulcet times in my childhood, when my life was simplistic and mundane. I was such a dumb child back then, with no curiosity whatsoever. My life revolved around comic books, senseless obsession with drawings of ducks, going to the malls in droves with my equally dumb teenage friends and the epic battle with the fact that I was fat, short and curly. Regardless of the stupidity which admittedly was the highlight of my childhood, I was able to seek refuge in God without any reservation. Not that I was particularly a very devout and spiritual person. Trust me, I have committed some of the most abominable sins condemned by Man. I was no a saint. Yet, there was this naivete, or should I say innocence, which convinced me that God would still be there for me.
However, now that I am older (and not necessarily wiser), I seem to have retarded my own spiritual progress. After a series of unfortunate events, the details of which will forever be buried in the darkest corner of my consciousness (sorry to be unnecessarily verbose and pretentious phrasing), I had something like a paradigm shift, which subsequently turned me agnostic. It actually took me some time to arrive to this revelation, and even more time to actually muster enough courage to utter words of acceptance. Primarily, I hesitated because I was fearful of the Divine intervention which would befall upon me should I have the audacity to do so. It was the whole 'If I don't say it, it does not exist' kind of thing.
Notwithstanding, now that I have lived a life liberated from any form of spirituality, I feel (yes feel, not think) that there is something missing in my life. Sometimes I think back about my life experience and wonder whether this whole chapter is actually just a result of hormonal imbalance, a by-product of what teenage life is all about. I know I read too much into things. Anyway, coming back to my point, now I feel that I have this craving for that abandoned path of spirituality (or specifically, Christianity) I have so proudly repudiated before. I remember the time when I was in midst of worship, the music was playing, the singers dissolved into this uncanny transcendent state, blissful half-smiles on their faces, and I could tangibly feel that my problems slowly evaporated. It was real, as if this thread that was pulling my spine down disappeared inch by inch into thin air, and there was a certain feeling of lightness which was awkwardly uplifting. I know I probably do not make any sense right now. You guys probably think that I am this stupid pretentious freak-of-nature who's in desperate need of some shrink.
But the question is, why now? Why do I suddenly lapse into this state where spirituality matters again? No, it's not because I just finished a statutory memorandum on religion. Is it because life has sucked so badly, that I am now turning back to my old lifeline with which I had severed ties during my brief moment of happiness? If so, how could I be so shallow? I take God when I need Him (arguably, Her), only to denounce Him the second He becomes a liability. Or is it just a vicissitude of life, for someone to take God and be happy, and to go astray once that happiness is obtained, and to return once that happiness is gone? Is it very human to fall into this cycle?
Honestly, I do not have the answer right now. But one thing that I know is that I want to go back to that state of worship, where the music is playing, everybody on their feet with their hands in the air, blissful half-smiles in every direction, and that uplifting sense of joy burrowing its way up the spine. God, is that you?
