You've Got To Fall Apart

If you think you're sinking, you probably are

Only you can know, only you can know

If you think you're falling, you probably will

You've got to lose yourself, and not let go

I think we'll be alright

I think we will survive

Everybody gets a little scared like this sometimes

I think we'll be alright

I think we will survive

You've got to fall apart

And put it back together again

Parelaphostrongylus Tenui

"...The question is, what does God want from you, besides being very sorry? Have you any ideas, Mr Lurie?'

Though distracted by Isaac's back-and-forth, he tries to pick his words carefully. 'Normally I would say', he says, 'that after a certain age one is too old to learn lessons. One can only be punished and punished. But perhaps that is not true, not always. I wait to see. As for God, I am not a believer, so I will have to translate what you call God and God's wishes into my own terms. In my own terms, I am being punished for what happened between myself and you daughter. I am sunk into a state of disgrace from which it will not be easy to lift myself. It is not a punishment I have refused. I do not murmur against it. On the contrary, I am living it out from day to day, trying to accept disgrace as my state of being. Is it enough for God, do you think, that I live in disgrace without term?

'I don't know, Mr Lurie. Normally I would say, don't ask me, ask God. But since you don't pray, you have no way to ask God. So God must find his own means of telling you. Why do you think you are here, Mr Lurie?'

He is silent..."

"...Well, now he has become a dog-man: a dog undertaker; a dog psychopomp; a harijan.

Curious that a man as selfish as he should be offering himself to the service of dead dogs. There must be other, more productive ways of giving oneself to the world, or to an idea of the world. One could for instance work longer hours at the clinic. One could try to persuade the children at the dump not to fill their bodies with poisons. Even sitting down more purposefully with the Byron libretto might, at a pinch, be construed as a service to mankind.

But there are other people to do these things - the animal welfare thing, the social rehabilitation thing, even the Byron thing. He saves the honour of corpses because there is no one else stupid enough to do it. That is what he is becoming: stupid, daft, wrongheaded."

- Disgrace, J.M. Coetzee

What Wordsworth

"...seems to be feeling his way toward a balance: not the pure idea, wreathed in clouds, nor the visual image burned on the retina, overwhelming and disappointing to us with its matter-of-fact clarity, but the sense-image, kept as fleeting as possible, as a means towards stirring or activating the idea that lies buried more deeply in the soil of memory.'

He pauses. Blank incomprehension. He has gone too far too fast..."

- Disgrace, J. M. Coetzee

For The Sake of Osaka

This journal is actually unplanned. I thought to myself that there was no chance in hell that Imma gonna have the time, energy and patience to document every single teeny meeny detail of the Osaka trip. However, after much persuasion, and toying with the fear that all the fond Osaka memories would just dissolve into the darkest corner of the grey matter, I've decided to pen down some irrelevant, yet memorable bits that are fortunately/coincidentally still latching onto my pathetic memory.

Arrival - 2115 Osaka Time

The Osaka air didn't smell much better than the Singapore air, which I gotta say is totally not a cool thing, literally. I had the impression that Osaka would be this modern city with a nice, not-so-polluted and not-so-Singapore/Jakarta temperate climate (read: not hot!), but the reality is again pretty much far from ideal. Nevertheless, after the interminably long flight (yes, 10 flipping hours) from Singapore, anything that allowed me to straighten my legs would do me good.

The train ride from Kansai Airport to Shin-Imamiya was interesting, and I mean in a good way. The train was worn out with age. It bobbed occasionally, accompanied with the clang of metals rubbing against each other following the train's twisting and turning. The smears of dirt and dust here and there and the cacophony of rattling metal sounds that serenaded me throughout the entire journey gave the train its olden day character-- truly, an experience like never before.

When I got to hotel, I couldn't be happier. I met a long-lost friend twice removed, and we ended up spending the night together. It was good, so so good. In fact, it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time. Air-con, don't ever leave me again! I love you way too much.

Day 1 - 0957 Osaka Time

I felt slightly giddy when I woke up this morning. Must have been the bad wine they served on the plane. One question, why does airplane food have to suck so much? There must be a law somewhere because never once in my many flights with budget airlines have I ever had a good meal on the plane. Hmm...

Oh, I got squashed by the elevator door!

OK, I gotta be honest, Day 1 doesn't end here, but I'm just way too tired to continue this post now. OMG, journal phail. I would try to finish this post asap, if I ever had the time. Ok, I'm crashing now...

Sayonara!