Once every two weeks or so, I hit a point where I ask that same ol' question again: What am I doing with my life? There's never an end to answering this question. I think it's partially because I am too cerebral type of person, where I live most of my life inside my head. I have no idea why I'm genetically made up that way, there are so many things that I can do in reality, yet somehow and somewhat I am always sapped back to this black hole of an existence where I basically do nothing, physically, yet in my head I'm doing triple somersaults and seven pirouettes, figuratively speaking.
Tracing back my dark past, I think this trait developed because I was such a brainy kid, like I was the nerdy one in the family, was the one who always did well in school, did all the assignments well, did the exams well. So I was brought up, or actually, grew up believing that thinking is my thing, that it was something that separated me from my peers, my siblings and my friends. I was not one of those popular kids who had everything, who were born to reign the upper echelon of the social strata. Nope. I was the awkward brainy kid-- socially challenged; helpless, hopeless and hapless.
However, I think I'm slowly breaking out this mould which I've always imposed on me since those dark ages. I hope I'm not getting stupider, but somehow I don't see academic matters as paramount anymore. Nevertheless, the thinking aspect seems to remain intact, just that I think of other things, which arguably are more trivial. One thing that's interesting though, I am still that fearful chicken even in the world of my cerebral creation. There would be times where I would choose not to address certain things, even and albeit pressing ones, and then I would just come to a halt, cerebrally speaking. I would go on Youtube, go to the same channels which I've been frequenting since three months ago, and watch the same videos for the God-knows umpteenth time.
I think the rationale behind this inertial behaviour is that I often was too afraid to tap into these things-- these uncertain things that are posed before me-- so the mind would push the panic buttons, and utter shutdown would then ensue. When I watched those same video, binging on the same ol' snacks while at it, there was no uncertainty: there was no unknown pop-up that would trigger me to think hard and long. There was safety there. One thing about videos that's very comforting is that they do the thinking for you. So there I was, stuffing my mouth with unnecessary calories, and literally simply being boring and stupid. And this has been happening to me for some time now.
Sometimes I wonder whether everybody does the same thing, or I'm just, so to speak, peculiar. The answer to this I do not know, but I think this is main reason why everyday for me is Groundhog day. Everyday feels like yesterday, which suck balls big time. I mean, the conflict here is that whenever I ask myself what I am doing with my life, I would go to that stereotypical picture of what college life is, or ought to be-- I'm not really sure. On one hand, there's that picture where I should be able to do whatever I want, and if I happen to be stuck, eyes glued to my computer screen, watching the same thing over and over again, and I enjoy it, then so be it. You know, no one should tell me what to do with my life. On the other one hand, there's that idyllic picture where college life is supposed to be raucous, rowdy and rambunctious, that it's all about the f-word. I mean, fun. What did you think? Anyhoo, everyday should feel like Christmas, Hanukkah, Halloween, birthdays. So when it's not, then what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I so boring and stupid?
For what it's worth, I in fact do try to make my life interesting. I mean, I take on tonnes of projects, dance projects, which I love to do, and it's not like everybody has this opportunity. Some people would kill to be in my shoes, but somehow notwithstanding the awesomeness that I've been thrown into, everyday is Groundhog day. Perhaps I've taken on too much, more than I can chew. Everything is only good when everything is in moderation, anything more or less than that is just gonna pester the insatiable complaining baby inside. If this were right, then it would make sense why I avoided tackling those things in my head which could have made a night different from any other night. I was too tired to do so, thus settled for second best. We all know what there is a thread connecting the mind, body and soul, when one hits a low point, then the other two will somehow be affected.
Does this mean that I have to take things in moderation, even those things I love, and things that I've chosen to do? It sucks big time because this means that I've no total control over my body, like my body is not built such that I can do whatever I want. Well, I think I know this from dance, but there's always that ol' mind-over-matter bullsheez which always gives you reason to suck it up and just do it.
Actually talking about change, I should really start channeling my head into my academic stuff. The problem here is actually law school has lost its shine for me. Now it's just, well, to continue with imagery, dull. It reeks of cumbersomeness and pretensions. The whole prestige thing is so passe that it excites me no more. Bummer. I should somehow get my mind around this so that I can survive considerably, i.e. maintain my scholarship, and have a good career upon graduation-- and be actually prepared for it. Dang.
Ok, this has been a total verbal vomit a la stream of consciousness. Totally spent one hour on this. I think I should stop. Ciao!
