Keeping It Real

My teacher just gave the class a 20-minute break, somehow I can't even be bothered to scream 'horray!' Seriously, I don't know why I cannot bring myself to concentrate during class. I would argue that all the presentations made during class are all of excellent quality, stuffed with all the good 'law' things that I need to know. However, I can't give a shit. One of my classmates just approached the guy sitting next to me, like 5 seconds ago, and he was talking about this law stuff, about presumptions of the law, about the reputation of some legal scholar whose existence I don't give a f-word. Can you say the f-word on a private blog? Now that sound like a legal question.

I mean, why should I give a crap about the difference between legally wrong and morally wrong, between insane automatism and unsoundness of mind, between justifications and excuses? They all seem to come in from one ear and out the other. Whenever I get to this emo, angsty, teenage mood, I would ask myself why I chose this course to begin with. At times, it seems like I am over-burdening myself with things which I can otherwise live without. Now one thing I have noticed, and those who know me would concur with me, that I tend to write in complex syntactical structures, peppered with superfluous predilection for verbosity, after I joined law school. Anyhoo, back-paddling a little bit to the times of university application, I can still recall that I was so convinced that I wanted to do what I am doing now. Perhaps then I was too much of a wet puppy to acknowledge that I wanted to do what I'm doing now just for the money. Or the prestige even? Whatever. You can't blame a 19-year-old for being and wanting to be human. And rich. Haha. Anw, my point is that back then, I really had to psych myself to be, so to speak, enamoured with this subject. I mean, if I couldn't bluff myself, I wouldn't be able to bluff those law professors at the interview right? LOL.

Fatigue

Life? She's a ball of contradictions. Sometimes she puts you in a yucky place, and you see yourself trudging down a narrow path. After each step you can feel your foot squeezing into this sickening softness; grimy, thick mud pushing through the little spaces between your toes, fighting to fill that minute gap underneath your toenails. Each step is heavy, painful, sticky.

Suddenly, when you least expect it, everything's cold, rimy, blue. You do not know what has happened, but you are now skating on thin ice. The icy wind brushes against your cheeks, messing up your hair as you dart around the skating rink. Exhilarating, thrilling fun. Your knees wobble still.

No matter what the surroundings are, be they cold, icky, blue, or brown, the strain is there, squeezing the same part of your back twenty four seven. You can't reach it with your hands, but it's there, and it does not go away. So, against it you persist through, through the miry and the frost of Life, all with the hope that you can lie your head down at the end of the journey, on that illusive place Life has made you think of and struggle for always.

Sorry

Slowly and steadily I poured my heart into it. Drop by drop it trickled down my temple, my cheek, my weary jaw. Down I was on bended knees, hands down, head down, mouth agape gasping for air. Broken, bruised, beaten, I stick by it through the thick and thin— against adversities, against all odds, against my own better judgement. I wished I could have done things better, another pinch of hard work here, an extra dash of creativity there, or something. In the quietness of my solitude, I would stare at him— that broken, bruised, beaten doll— staring back at me. He was no stranger. Every shade on him told a familiar story; some tragic, some comedic, some a perfect blend of both. However, his face, wrinkled with that smile he made so often, betrayed his inner bliss. Now though, he was a changed man. His brows furrowed, his eyes glazed with tears, his mouth drooped, all tinged with remorse and worry. Through gritted teeth he laboured to utter a plea for encouragement, albeit to no avail. His voice stammered, his arms quivered, his soul battered. Poignancy thus turned my face away. Down! On the floor! Oh! I saw my arms quivering.

Susurration Shimmering Etherial Nothingness

This is what I felt during class. Fail.

Superfluity

Seriously, why does school have to be such a pain in the you-know-where? I do acknowledge that, effectively, there is no harm in giving us students a hard time by providing very, very little guidance during class and then demanding the world from us. It's all part of character building. However, it's only the fourth day of school! Give me a break. I mean, in addition to the long list of reading materials which we have to dive into on a daily basis, the assignments given at this early stage of the game are just impossible. Perhaps I should not saddle the blame resulting from my own inadequacy on this established system. Evidently, the system has more credibility than I do, or dare I say it, than I ever will. Nevertheless, I can't help but to think that this hair-splitting excruciation that I am undergoing at the moment is way much, and unnecessarily so.

Sigh.

I don't even know why I am acting like such a wimp right now. May be it's the hormones talking. May be it's this disgusting, sickly sour, "naturally flavoured" yogurt that I just had. May be it's the fact that it's freaking 2 a.m. and I haven't touched any of my effing homework for today! GAH!

Scatterbrain

Sometimes I have no idea whether my world is a crazy swirl of shenanigans and blabberjabber, or I am just dumb. Today is the second day of school, and it feels like my understanding of what I'm learning and my confidence in myself are wearing thin. Like seriously. I have absolutely no idea what the professors are talking about. There's this reading piece which apparently is an excerpt form the Harvard Law Review which is just Greek to me. Why would the professors even think that I am capable of gaining actual information from it? Didn't they see me in the interview? I mean, I know that the law school is Singapore's number one law school and everything, but WHAT? Give me break. I'm 20 and probably need to read a hell lot more, but Harvard Law Review? Really?

Very Verbal Vomit Reloaded

Ding, dang, it's 2010. When the clock stroke midnight, I was cooped up on my chair, watching Sherlock Holmes. A pretty loser thing I gotta admit, but hey, I would say that it was a not-bad plan, considering I came up with it only 4 hours beforehand. Sherlock Holmes the movie was kinda bad. Call me old school, but I would like to see quick-witted sleuth, in place of Iron Man faking the Brit accent. Just because you put a 40-year old with a pseudo-Brit accent donning an 18th-century outfit in London, that doesn't mean that you have Holmes. And why would you cast a Canadian to play Irene Adler? I mean Rachel McAdams is smoking and everything, but wouldn't Kiera Knightly be better? A lil food for thought!

Something irks me: I have to say that every time I spend a quiet moment alone, like sitting all alone on a bus on my way home from somewhere, I always feel that I have this bubbling feeling wanting to be let out, and then I would think to myself that I would blog about it. However, once I get my ass in front of the computer, everything just seems to disappear. Wierd?

Well, anyway, it's the new year, and it wouldn't be a new year if we don't talk about what happened last year. Hmm... Last year was rough, I have to be honest. The interminable wait for college to start was something that I would not want to repeat ever again in my entire life. I enrolled myself to NUS law school, pretty exciting at first, but hell eventually. Never in my life have I ever seen a group of people that work as hard as these bunch. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing. It's kinda like being in a race 24/7, and a long and arduous one at that. One thing to note though, I came from a scholastic background, so when I say the words 'work hard', it's no joke. Haha.

Another thing which still clings onto my head is results release day. It's not that grades mean the world to me, but my scholarship kinda does, at least to my parents it does. So I was so stoked when I found out that my grades were good enough for me to keep it. Pat myself on the back for that. Tonnes of congratulations to all my friends who did really well though, I did even think that it was humanly possible for anybody to get some of the grades that you guys did. Haha.

One highlight of the new year which I must, must highlight (weird sentence?) is FLICKERHOLIC! After countless emo sessions, late-nights, mos burgers, fries, tears, blood, sweat, and of course practice, practice, practice, we managed to get into the SEMIS! WAHOO! It's definitely a good, good thing. A very good thing. Hopefully the universe will continue to align in our direction in the future.